How does it work?
by kyella14
Summary: Harry contemplates the mechanics behind human-giant relationships. Trauma ensues. Crack.
**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

 **Thought about this a year ago. Was sufficiently disturbed by my own mind, and decided to spread the love.**

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"You know," said Harry thoughtfully. "I've always wondered how Hagrid was conceived."

Hermione's hand, holding a fork, froze halfway to the turkey in front of her. Ron choked on a swallow and started coughing loudly. Dean slapped him on the back a couple of times. Bits of food sprayed out and hit Harry on the face, who winced and wiped a hand across it discreetly.

"What?" asked Ginny, her voice faint.

"How Hagrid was conceived," Harry repeated, enunciating each word clearly. "I mean, he's half-giant. I'm just trying to figure out the… dynamics of it."

Hermione cleared her throat, a red flush rising on her cheeks. "Er, Harry, if I may ask, _why_ exactly are you thinking about... well…"

"Giant sex," said Ginny bluntly.

Harry blushed. "No! Well, I wasn't _imagining_ it, or anything like that," he said hastily, looking vaguely revolted by the idea. "I was just _wondering_. Ever since I heard that Hagrid was a half-giant, well, it's like, how does it work? His mum was a giant, right?"

"Fridwulfa," said Neville chimed in. "Her name was Fridwulfa."

"Yeah, so how big do female giants get?"

"About 30 feet," said Hermione. Her face took on a green sheen as she considered what Harry meant. Dean looked like he was already there and had turned pale.

Harry nodded. "30 feet is like, what, almost as high as the ceiling of the Great Hall?" he gestured above him. Neville and Ron tilted their heads up and stared at the distant ceiling, charmed to look like the sky, with expressions of increasing trepidation and fear.

"You know," said Ginny, looking disturbed. "Rita Skeeter's article had this picture of Hagrid and his dad. And his dad… well, his dad was short. Like, just a little taller than Flitwick, short."

"Urk," choked Harry. He had forgotten about that. "Well, anyway, considering how big Fridwulfa was, and how small Hagrid's dad was, it wouldn't exactly work, would it? I mean, he could pretty much just -"

Ron cut in. "Mate, don't even think about it."

The words left Harry anyway, who was too busy making mental calculations to have heard Ron's interruption. "- _crawl_ into her, er, place."

"Oh, my God," said Hermione, looking positively ill. A horrible image of a diminutive human wriggling his way like a worm into Fridwulfa popped into her mind.

"Why would you even _think_ about this?" demanded Dean, pushing his plate away.

"I dunno, I was bored and I just… well…"

"Merlin, Harry," said Ron. "That's sick."

Harry paled and bit his lip.

"What?" asked Ginny warily. She had not missed that look.

"Well, that's not _all_ I came up with. I thought of, er, a way for them to get around the problem."

Neville looked horrified. " _No._ "

"What?" snapped Hermione, her voice shaky. "It can't possibly be worse than _crawling_." She nearly choked on the word.

Harry grimaced. " _Engorgio_."

Shrieks echoed in the Great Hall and there was a loud thud as Ron slipped into a dead faint. Ginny, Dean and Hermione excused themselves quietly and headed bee-line for the toilets. Neville stared at Harry as though seeing him for the first time.

"Sorry," mumbled Harry, at least having the grace to look sheepish. "At least I didn't bring up _male_ giants and human females."

"No!" yelped Neville. He blushed when he realised his outburst. When he spoke next, he sounded calmer, but there was a distinct note of urgency in his voice. "Just… stop, Harry. Stop."

"Yeah," Harry said fervently. "Imagine having to _Reducio_ your own -"

Neville joined Ron on the floor in a dead faint.

The Saviour of the Wizarding World glanced at his two unconscious friends, a worried look on his face. "Oops."

A familiar drawling voice spoke from behind him. "Damn, Potter. Didn't think you had it in you." Malfoy sounded almost impressed.

Another familiar voice joined in. "Oh, yes," said Luna seriously. "Harry has always been a little strange." Harry grimaced. When Luna Lovegood called you strange, you _knew_ something wasn't right.

"I didn't _know_ they were going to faint," mumbled Harry defensively.

"Not just faint," said Malfoy, prodding Ron's head with his shoe. "Weasel's passed out cold. And from the looks of it, he hurt his head, too."

"He'll be fine," Luna said dismissively. "Ronald needs a few smacks on his head to get it fixed on right, anyway." She proceeded to kick his head lightly a few times, causing Harry and Malfoy to choke.

"Too true," muttered the blonde Slytherin. Harry recalled the whole fiasco of sixth year and couldn't help but privately agree with him. But he was growing concerned for his friend, as Luna did not look like she was stopping any time soon.

"Er, Luna, maybe you should… go easier on him," said Harry.

She blinked. "But the Wrackspurts are still there," she said, bending down to swat at some invisible insects buzzing around Ron's face. Harry winced when one swipe had her hand making contact with the red-haired boy's cheek in a sharp slap. "There," she said, sounding satisfied. "All better."

Harry peered down at his best friend in concern. " _Ennervate,_ " he said. The redhead blinked his eyes open and sat up, a dreamy smile on his face.

"Oh, hi, Harry," said Ron, tilting his head in an eerily Luna-esque manner.

"Hey, Ron," said Harry slowly. "How are you feeling?"

"Wonderful," he replied, sighing happily. "Ooh, look, a blibbering humdinger."

Harry spun round on Luna in horror. "What have you done with him?"

"Cleared his Wrackspurts," replied the dreamy Ravenclaw. "I can do it for you if you like, Harry."

The Boy-Who-Lived glanced at Ron, who was waving his hands around wildly, eyes unfocused. "No, thanks," he said firmly.

"What did you tell them to get them to faint, anyway?" asked Malfoy, curious. "It'd be nice to have something over you bloody Gryffs."

"Er," Harry was distracted by the sight of Ron reaching up and tugging at a lock of Malfoy's hair.

"Your hair is very pretty," said Ron seriously. "Can I have some?"

Malfoy looked disgusted. "You want my _hair_?"

"Oh, yes," nodded the tall redhead. "Nothing keeps nargles away like the colour of your hair."

"It's true," Luna added, a mournful look on her face. "The nargles never go close to you. They do like taking my things, though."

"That's horrible," said Ron, looking genuinely horrified.

"You can't have my hair," said Malfoy. "Potter, keep your sidekick away from me." He tried in vain to bat away Ron's outstretched hands.

Harry stifled a laugh at the expression of utter disappointment on Ron's face. "Come on, mate," he said, as gently as he could manage. "Let's go back to the Common Room."

"Oh, alright," pouted Ron.

"What did you say to them?" called out Malfoy after their retreating backs.

"Ask Luna," Harry replied.

The Slytherin turned and stared at aforementioned girl. She stared right back.

"So?" he asked finally.

Her brow furrowed. "So?"

"What did Potter tell them?" asked Malfoy, exasperated.

"Oh," she said, pale eyes wide and innocent. "He was wondering how Hagrid's parents had sex. Personally, I think it was an _Engorgio_ charm on Mr. Hagrid's special bits, but I think Harry's other idea that Mr. Hagrid could have crawled in there was perfectly plausible. Bit like a camping trip, really," she added thoughtfully.

She turned and flounced away, leaving a sputtering, red-faced Malfoy behind.


End file.
